Tuesday, June 25, 2013

More than fine

Last night, a friend told me that she and her boyfriend had just recently broken up.
Even though I am not unfamiliar with heartbreak, I couldn’t – for the life of me – find the right words to say. In the middle of a crucial moment, I had forgotten all the things a person in her position would need to hear. So instead, as some sort of weak consolation prize, I gave her a hug and an unconvincing “You’re going to be fine.“
But now that I’ve gotten my bearings, here’s the thing. Here’s the thing, KB. The thing I should have said:
We seem to live in a world that celebrates a culture of nonchalance. A world where everyone is in a constant state of being ‘fine’ because fine is safe and pristine. Fine is a clever enough word to sum up absolutely nothing. Fine makes no attempt to rock the boat which, perhaps, is why we persist on using it. Fine is not a precursor to genuine happiness because fine is far too fake.
For all those reasons and more, I take back what I said last night. I want more for you than fine.
Fine is the cop out answer we give the world when we become too afraid to tell the real story. And the world needs your story. At the very least, I do.
For you, I want feelings. Waves of terror and grief. I want you to be swept away by anguish, by the cold hard reality of loss. I know it sounds harsh but I want you to experience it all, my dear friend. Because it’s only until you’ve gone through the process as honestly as possible that real lasting healing begins.
And you, my brave little giant, deserve authentic healing. Deserve wounds that have been sewn closed by that thing we call finality. Deserve chapters that have been shut tight instead of ones that beckon silently in the middle of the night, when you think nobody is watching.
You deserve to look back on this time of your life and say that it was a delicious and fruitful season of grieving.
It is my hope that you will fill journals and prayers and songs and conversations with all the feelings your heart can take. (Because, believe me, it can take far too much.) And if you need someone in the middle of the breaking or the mending, or just someone to watch silly movies with, then you know whose numbers to put on speed dial.
When all this is over – because, yes, it will end one day; the beautiful thing about ‘one day’ is that it can happen tomorrow. (No one ever really knows.) – or perhaps even in the middle of it, you will make art. You will write poetry and sculpt prose and find wisdom in the corners of your soul that you never even knew existed.
Heartache, I hope, will remake you into someone even more beautiful and multi-faceted.
Love is going to arrive again, my friend. When you’re busy enjoying the best of life, love is going to blindside you. It will creep up to you quietly or tackle you haphazardly. It will enter into your system, unannounced, and it’ll be different. But by this time, you will know yourself more and love will be better. Love will be so much better. I cannot attest to this just yet but I believe in it with all my heart.
I believe in it for the both of us.
For now, have the courage to feel the weight of the world. To wrestle with the tension, to accept that there are some questions that will never have answers, to seal old memories in a box marked: BEAUTIFUL.
Sit tight. The world is still good. Also, I take back what I said last night as the screen of that silly KTV machine glared its blue light across our faces.
You’re not going to be fine, my love. I couldn’t be gladder.
***And every day, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling “This is important! And this is important! And this is important! You need to worry about this! And this! And this!”
And each day, it’s up to you, to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say “No. This is what’s important.”
My sister-in-law just sent me this and I couldn’t help my tears from falling. I’m serious when I said that I’m very hopeful for my future. Yes, I am scared but that won’t stop me from accepting and giving love to people who deserves it. :)

Friday, June 21, 2013

My own how to handle a breakup :)

It's been a while and I think I'm sort of ready to blog about it. It was not easy but sometimes, you have to accept the fact that things end. But this blog post is not about me hating you or talking about the things you've done to hurt me. I would like to dedicate this to all the people going through what I'm going through right now. I've been very lucky to have handled this smoothly. I could still remember the year of 2005 (Oh, the horror) where I did all the "what not to do after a breakup". So to all my fellow women (or men) who are going through a breakup, this is for you :)

1. Find your support group
I was very lucky to have the best support group. I was surrounded by people who loves me. I swear, the past two weeks was time for family and friends. They never let me stay at home doing nothing and I never stayed home din naman. Hihi. All of them are one text away. Also, all the comforting and inspiring words that are helping me move on comes from them :) I'm still very thankful for these people whom I call family and friends.

2. Time to abuse your friends
Go out as much as you like. Contact all your old friends whom you haven't seen for a long time. That's what I did. At the first day, I went out with high school friends. The 2nd day, I drank with my DB's. The following days were for my family and I also got to meet up with college friends, YFC friends and random friends. Hehe! I have more dates in line for next week and I can't wait :)

3. Listen to The Script or Sugarfree songs (or whatever heartbreak songs you have)
My forever heartbreak songs come from these two bands and yes, I listened to them when I can. It really helped to just let it all out. I'm not saying that hearing these songs will not make you cry because it will. And crying is good for a time like this. Yes, I listened to Before the Worst by The Script for a few nights and it really helped.
We we're thinking we would never be apart 
With your name tattooed across my heart 
Who would have thought it would end up like this?
Where everything we talked about is gone 
And the only chance we have of moving on 

Is trying to take it back 
Before it all went wrong
4. Retail therapy
I did some shopping. Shopping makes me happy (Well, short term happiness but still happiness). Since I don't have any dates to save up for, I'll have more money for myself :) 

5. Share. Share. Share. Tell your story to your trusted friends and just cry it all out.
During the first week of the breakup, everyday I tell my breakup story to anyone who wants to listen. I cried (A LOT) but it really helped. It helps to share and just let it all out. Now, when I tell friends about our breakup story, I don't cry anymore but I'm still hurting (still on the healing process). But I know someday, it will hurt no more. 

6. At one point, stop asking about the past
Ate Coco reminded me this: Stop asking questions like "Bakit hindi nagwork?, bakit dati ganito?" You gotta tell yourself slow by slow to start moving on to questions about your future like, "How should I start regaining bits and pieces of myself to be whole again?" It really helps to stop dwelling on the past. Stop regretting, that will lead you nowhere.

In time, when you're ready, I think deleting old pictures and messages really helps. I did all that yesterday and it was liberating. I was crying while deleting everything but yes, it's for the better. I deleted pictures from my laptop and phone, deleted all his messages on my phone, deleted the tumblr blog I created for him and the pinterest board I'm planning to let him read in the future. Plus, I returned all the shirts I borrowed from him and old letters I never had the chance to give. I'm a person who dwells too much in the past and this breakup has thought me that that is not good for the soul and the heart :) So I let go of things that I know will stop me from moving on.

7. Think positive
Believe that you'll get pass this. I am telling you now, it's not an easy journey. It will be hard. There will be a time when you thought you're okay then you'll see something that reminds you of him and then you'll feel that you're still not okay... and that's totally normal. There's nothing wrong with you. Regression is part of moving on but never stay there. Move forward. There's no other way but up :)

8. Avoid being alone but when alone just cry, if you want to!
Being alone is not helpful for me because I know I'll just sulk then read old messages, look at pictures and read old letters and for me, it's not helpful at all. So as much as possible, I go out at night and I don't go home unless I'm sleepy (haha!). But you can't avoid being alone sometimes. When that happens, just cry if you want to. Just cry until it hurts no more :)

9. Create new memories
Don't avoid places that used to be special to you. It's time to create new memories. There are a lot of places that make me remember him like my house, Ate Coco's house, Trinoma, Shi Lin etc.. but that would not stop me from still going to Trinoma, eating at Shi Lin and having sleepovers at 10 Blake. You must not dwell on the past. It's time to create new memories with people who loves you :)

10. An adventure awaits
As cliche as it sounds, "Keeping yourself busy" really helps :) I have new activities that I'm excited to engaged in. Think about your life and think of an old hobby that you haven't done for a while. I also have loads of travels for this year and I can't wait. I'll be going to Caramoan next month, Cebu in August, Singapore in September, Hopefully Mt. Pulag in November then Hongkong/Singapore again for December (This depends on my sister though) then I have another Cebu trip on January then BALI sometime early next year! Plus, I'm looking for new foundations to participate in because I need activities to fill my heart :) I'm open for anything right now. I want to try new things :)

11. On being friends
Being friends will not help you if you still have feelings for the person. I still have feelings for him and he wants us to be friends but I can't. I want to but I can't and I don't want to risk my heart with that kind of pain. I have asked a lot of people and they all told me not to be friends because I'm not yet ready. So yes, don't try to be friends with your ex when you still have feelings for him. Someday, but not soon :)

To you: So this is the last blog post I'm going to write about you. I admit that I'm still not over you but I decided that I need to move on. I don't want to stay in the past and be the only one stuck there. When I saw you yesterday, I can tell that you clearly moved on weeks ago which is very unfair for me. You have been really unfair to me but I don't really care now. I still love you, but I don't want to be the only one fighting. I'm a person who doesn't really give up on people whom I love, that's why until yesterday, I'm still trying to fight but I realized that this will lead nowhere because you clearly gave up. I really thought that what we had was something really special but everything was one sided in our relationship. I'm having a hard time moving on and I don't want to hurt anymore :( I am missing you everyday but someday, this will stop. I really hope it's sooner but I'm decided that I have to let you go and let go of the thought that you're the one. I hope that someday, when someone loves you as much as I do, you won't let her go. I hope that someday you'll be ready. Don't do to her what you did to me. Thank you for the 1 year of love and friendship :)

Monday, June 17, 2013

Father's day special

To all the fathers out there, happy father's day. Yesterday was a day to remember all your hard work and patience every day. So kudos to all you fathers. 

To my father,
  Thank you so much for all the patience you have been showing since you married our mother. We all know that it wasn't a smooth ride so I thank you for still being here haha! You are the most hardworking person I know. Based from your stories, you have been providing for our huge family since Day 1 and you are still continuing to do so. Papa, soon enough, you're going to retire from the company and we promise you that we will continue what you have started. I love you :)

Also to my brothers
Happy father's day to you, dear brothers. As a young and new (sort of) fathers, you are doing a great job. You have given us the cutest nieces and nephew and I couldn't ask for more haha! You are all being great fathers to Sining, Diwa, Jam and Blue and you're awesome brothers to us too :) Continue loving and caring for your family (like Papa does) and also to the kids you have in GK :) 
  So we spent father's day at home and had a short dinner at Bellini's yesterday. Since we love One More Chance, we just had to watch One more chance before we went there haha! (Oh, for those people who doesn't know, Bellini's is the restaurant in One More Chance) Although that movie showing last Thursday did not help at all with my moving on phase, I still love that movie.

Before heading to Bellini's, a short photo op at home with my sister, Gladys

We arrived there earlier than our reserved time which was 7pm. Good thing our table was fixed already so we just waited for the other family members to arrive. Sining was ecstatic when she arrived. She was shouting, "Nasan na si Popoy?", "Wala dito si Popoy?" all over the place which was so funny and cute at the same time. The kids and Kuya Justine were wearing their "Popoy" outfit (HAHA)

The Popoy and Totoys

The food was okay. We ordered a four cheese pizza, their pasta platter and chicken. Their pasta platter consists of 4 types of pasta sauce (white, red, pesto and oil based). My favorite would be the white sauce pasta. The oil based pasta was too spicy for me but all in all, everything was good. 

Quattro Formaggi (Four Cheese) Pizza

The experience was okay. Not something I would rant all day about. I also wouldn't go back there soon, unless someone invites me there :) Good thing, the people I'm with makes every place memorable so yes, this year's father's day is something I would cherish :)

With Gladys, Diwa and Ate Coco

After the dinner, I just went over at 10 Blake again to rant about my heartbreak issues. I'm really having a hard time. I know that moving on is not something you could do immediately, it requires time. I just don't want to deal with the hurt anymore. It sucks when the person you want to spend forever with doesn't feel the same way :( Yuck, ang drama na. Enough!

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Hitting rock bottom (well, not really)

I have never imagined it to end this way. This wasn't part of the plan but I clearly can't do anything about it anymore. This is the first time that I'm blogging about this and hopefully, this can help me emotionally. It has been a week and a few days after the breakup and life has been hard. Although I'm very thankful that I have the awesomest family and friends that are helping me cope with the loss :) There are just really days, like today, that I miss him so much. I miss him dearly that I can't function and concentrate well. I know that someday, I'll get over this but for now, just let me feel and say what I feel.

I'm hurt. Thinking about last year, we were very happy (Well I was). I just thought that you would fight for us more because I did. I had a dream and I thought that you would be beside me in fulfilling that dream. It just sucks that you're gone. I'm wishing there's more time for us but what's done is done. I don't want to dwell on the past but the past has so much good memories (that would never happen again). I wish I could get through this faster and I am hoping that you're not hurting as much as I am.

I love you, Billy. Thank you and what we had is something I would forever keep. You did made me happy. I hope you're happier now.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Family outing 2013

As some of you know, I come from a very big family (4 brothers, 1 sister, 3 sisters-in-law, 3 nieces, 1 nephew plus all the other in-laws) so when we get together, it's a totally huge production number. That is why most of the time, we just stay at home and cook food rather than go out. Anyway, while we were planning for a celebration for Sining's birthday, my brother suggested that we just go out of town and consider it as a family outing for us. There were lots of choices but we ended up staying at Cala Perdida at Calatagan, Batangas.

It was a private rest house that you can rent for the whole family. It can accommodate 15-20 people :) There's a main house, guest house and the very beautiful Ifugao house. More pictures here :) Although the trip was kinda long and it was hard to find, it was all worth it :)

Saturday morning, we arrived there and the place was really beautiful. It was a very nice property to own, a quiet place just to get out of the busy life in Manila and relax. That was our main purpose, really, to relax and chill. 

(Siblings + Sisters-in-law + nieces and nephew)

Although the sun was high up, we did not waste any time so we headed for the pool. The water was warm, just right for us and it was not too deep (petite friendly). The pool is an infinity pool but the filter was broken that time :( It was okay, though because we enjoyed the pool just as much :)

 (The Cruz' girls plus Ate Donna)

It was the kids who mainly enjoyed the pool because all the adults were at the patio, eating. And yes, there were lots of food. It was also the perfect time to catch up with them and just bond as a family :) Saturday was pure bonding for us and we couldn't ask for anything more :)

We also celebrated Sining's 6th birthday there and here's a picture of my very beautiful niece with her very beautiful cake

We had Shabu shabu lunch + steak and it was the best meal we had that weekend. Everyone was bloated and I'm pretty sure I gained some pounds during that meal.

(Enjoying the sun. PS: Thanks to Black Box Shoppe for my cute high waist bottom)

 We had a last quick swim before heading home and the water was still warm. We assumed that the water's warm because of the granite that absorbs the heat of the sun (BOO YEAH, SCIENCE) :) After that, we had to say goodbye to an awesome family weekend but before that, some photo ops
(Cruz family)

Before heading to Manila, we had dinner at Tagaytay because we encountered some heavy traffic entering Tagaytay and we were all hungry. Also, we had a quick stop at Starbucks (Yes, I'm still loyal to my former employer) and I was just craving for a delicious White Macadamia Nut Cookie :) 

 To summarize, that weekend was the best we had as a family this year. We all had the time to relax and just bond as a family. Too bad, my sister, Gladys wasn't there because she had a competition that she can't say no to. :(